We've Made Being Human So Difficult

Disclaimer: I know I am a little more hippie than my family. I was raised an L.L.Bean baby, one who sampled product and romped in the Maine woods. I have crunchier tendencies than many of my relatives, proven when I attended a small liberal arts college in a state also bordering Canada. 

I know I have been the one to have strong career goals and aspirations, that I'm the one that keeps following those dreams around the world. As I get older I think I am starting to realize I need something more basic. I've started imagining myself living in nature somewhere, running a rustic inn or bed & breakfast, guiding people on outdoor trips, making bedrooms that smell like pine and lighting a fire in the living room and outside in the fire pit on a regular basis. I want my kids to play with sticks and rocks and make forts with the occasional Monopoly game night but no toys.

Sure, I'm referring to a back-to-basics existence, but have you ever thought about how difficult we've made being a living creature? We wear clothes. We design those clothes. We have our own styles and people who analyze these styles and base their lives around what can and should be worn. We took basic ingredients that are delicious and beautiful and colorful and then decided we needed to have processed food. In plastic, another thing we had to work to make.

Some people call it innovation, but do you ever think it's more work than it's worth?

We spread the world out, requiring transportation and means of communication and pulling us from people we love and who love us. We find people we love, then we move away from them. We go to institutes of higher learning and are told to never settle and to learn more and more, but when you learn more there's just more to learn. It will never end. My to-read book list only grows. My brain only ever has more questions. I only see more possibilities to the point of not seeing any possibilities at all. 

We've formulated other living things to be what we want them to be, thereby just making more work for ourselves. I love my dog, but I still have to feed him, exercise him, get him shots, register him with official offices. 

I know I overthink most things I come in contact with, but that's just a curse of being human. That won't change, that's what we are made of. Many of the things we worry about are constructions of our brains, but even more often they are based on feelings that we evolved into. Do iguanas love? Probably not. And I bet they never worry if their families are safe or if all their dreams will come true.

The mind is an amazing piece of machinery, but isn't it just another accessory to give us unnecessary challenges? 

So maybe someday I'll try to simplify my life. Move to the woods, grow my own food, give my kids a hatchet and some rocks to innovate with all day. But that innovation I've just given them is only going to run rampant in their brains and eventually they'll be some sort of astrophysicist or neurosurgeon. And these jobs will exist and we'll keep striving for greatness and challenging ourselves, just going with the complexity of being human as generations have before us. 

You're So Vain, I Know This Song Is About Me

Growing up I had this insane fear of admitting that I was a Leo. You know that stereotypical July-August baby who only talks about himself, won't admit failure, and who seems to just have too much confidence.  I thought there must be some other character I could be in this game of Life. I didn't have to be the self-absorbed lion, did I?

As I've come into my mid-twenties, this era of SELF-DISCOVERY and LEARNING (read: that time in your life where you realize you have to accept your flaws and it's probably too late to change much anymore), I've started to accept the pieces of astrology that actually have proven to be true. 

In my case, I've learned that I have surrounded myself with friends who are exactly that which I feared would come about in me. They like talking about themselves. They are confident. They believe they have qualities greatly superior to others. Often they don't let you get a word in edge-wise and their volume regulator too-often seems to be broken. Yes, these are all qualities I have, too. Sure, my friends think they're great, but that's why I'm friends with them, right? Because they deserve their arrogance. They know what they're great at (being awesome) and they own it. 

I'll be the first to admit that I can't lift weights without a mirror. I can't do arms with sleeves on my shirt. How can I know I'm great without a visual?! I was caught in the gym looking at my rippling abs in the mirror the other night, but I did think I was the only one there so it's acceptable.

So yes, we're all vain. And I will never stop believing that every song is about me or some issue related to me. Didn't they write it about us?! Isn't that the point of music?! That my friends are great enough to deserve a song?!

To be perfectly honest, though, I want to point out some traits of my people that I read in an article recently ("This Is How To Love a Leo" by Bryonie Wise). 

This article points out our ego and eludes to our stubborn side, but elaborates on the complexity of a Leo. We doubt that we can be loved completely and have more feelings than we often see in others, causing us to wonder if we will always have more passion and feeling than those we come in contact with. We have an adventurous side that makes us run off into the world, seeking something, though that thing is probably adventure in its purest form and it's a feeling that we have and chase. We are loyal, in the way of a lion, but to be true and loyal to another person we must learn to be true and loyal to ourselves. This makes us strong and in doing so requires others trust us before we can love. We want everyone around us to be who they are and don't hold expectations other than just be that person that each is. It can seem demanding or pressured, but it's just a need for others to be as true as we are. 

We know how to love, but we are shy in accepting love and support from others, when really we need and fear that support. We are stubborn, but kind and compassionate and we internalize all the issues and feelings in the world. We want to be held, but we also need the time to just be strong ourselves. It's a questioning of whether our compassion is a gift or a curse, but is a responsibility we hold dearly. Ultimately, while we seem to need to be the center of everything, our innate sense of feeling and loving requires a simple life. We appreciate slow. We appreciate intimate moments in the middle of nowhere that give life a meaning and profundity that we require.

We may seem demanding or as if our expectations are too high to meet, but at the end of the day we just want truth and honesty and love for us and yourself. Be strong, be who you are, and if you want to love us as a close friend or romantically you have to be ready to be fully exposed and own the person you are.

That article can be found here: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/08/this-is-how-to-love-a-leo/ and while I find so much of it resonates with me, let this be my statement of understanding that astrology is often a lot of bollocks. I don't necessarily believe it, but this was an external justification and wording of all that I know myself to be, so I had to share.

And all the girls do dream that they'll be our partner. Naturally. We're so awesome.

The Deceit of Words and Relief of January

I don't want to say that words necessarily do us wrong. When we need meaning, feeling, or expression it's words that we rely on. Sure, my face is also exceptionally expressive and usually deceives me more than my words because my words are better at having some thought behind them. My face just lays it out there without thinking. As if my face is the extrovert here and my words are only slightly more introverted (because I do say what I think, as well, usually to my detriment in public).

But what are words? You look at this page and see shapes and swirls and lines that somehow have some meaning to you. You see it as complete thoughts - if I'm lucky - and you relate or are angered or complacent or don't understand where in the world I'm coming from. And that's acceptable because that's what we hope words do.

The problem I'm facing lately is in definitions. There are certain things we all agree on. A cat is what it is. It's the clearance cat I wanted to buy a couple weeks ago or any other construction made of fuzz and love and meows and mice-hunting instinct. It's just a cat. A car is a car. A song even is a song, as long as we're talking to those with regular hearing abilities.

The next step up is the regional discrepancies. I drink a soda while my cousins drink pop, old coworkers drink Coke, and someone else is having a soft drink somewhere.

But this isn't the word issue. The issue is a common one among young people, I think. How do we define "relationship"? What makes something "serious"? And why are we all so insistent on accepting that we "like" someone but that we don't want a "relationship"? Isn't a relationship just an ongoing series of spendings of time together? And that has a whole spectrum of being "serious" that depends on the person engaged in the act. Does spending a few hours at a bar a couple of times a week constitute serious if it happens more than twice? Three times? Why do we have to define this?

I've always been one to go with the flow. I have a lot of thoughts, a lot of opinions, but when it comes to spending time with someone, why aren't we just doing exactly what we want without being scared away? Just go, see what happens, get over it.

And then there's the recent issue of calling something "Christmas" that to me this year just seemed like another day. Or "New Years", that moment I have 6 empty PBR cans and two empty mugs trying to get to the dishwasher while people count "10-9-8..." and sweat starts pouring out of my temple. It seems to just be another hour in a day, a moment I am where I am, a time I might wish to be with family more than usual, but really I just miss family all the time and wonder what this Utah place is going to have that I can define as "good" or "serious" or "long-term".

Because those are really just definitions, too, right?

So, while January was confirmed yesterday to be the busiest and worst month logistically in the year for us, I am relieved to have survived the holidays and to continue to figure out what the world means when they use words.